Dear people who want to be better people,
Once again, I am asking for your support as I prepare to run my last marathon ever for a good cause. This time, you have a once in a lifetime opportunity to support Canine Companions, a non-profit that raises service dogs for people with disabilities. I know that every day, you are asked to give money to a good cause but let me ask you a simple question. Will that money support cute, fluffy doggies who help people?
Not only will your donation help cute, fluffy puppies become service dogs, but it will force me to run the San Francisco marathon this coming weekend. As I have previously noted, there are few things I dislike more than running marathons. But for your donation, I will do it again, even if I get strep throat two days before or a severe gastrointestinal disease.
Despite the ravages of inflation, I am asking for the same minimal donation of $26.20 - roughly the cost of a warm Coors Light at Oracle Park during a SF Giants game or 7 eggs. Anyone that donates $100 or more will get the same deal as the last four marathons. I will spend an hour at a time and place of your choice agreeing with whatever you say, even if it is utterly ridiculous and couldn’t possibly work. For donations of $250 or more, I am offering the special bonus prize of publicly acknowledging on film that I was completely wrong about something I said with great certainty in the past.
This year, I am offering a new Karmic Sliding Scale in increments of $50. Unlike the cowardly medieval Catholic church which ended the practice of indulgences (buying your way into heaven) in 1567, Hinduism still offers you the opportunity to buy your way into a better next life. I can guarantee with 100% certainty that your donation, or lack thereof will either push you up or down this Karmic Scale.
Level 1: Cock-A-Roach
Level 2: Non-profit Leader (Considered placing at level 1 given the higher survivability and overall obliviousness of cockroaches)
Level 3: Farm animal dispatched humanely (Also at this level are university presidents, school district superintendents and federally funded researchers)
Level 4: Farm animal in a petting zoo (dies of old age)
Level 5: My plumber (probably should be ranked higher given how much he charges)
Level 6: Foundation staff/president/just about anyone who gives away money
Level 7: Wealthy person who made the money
Level 8: Cryptocurrency/AI billionaire/White house staff (unclear which is which)
Level 9: The richest and most powerful person in the world
Level 10: A well-loved labrador retriever (because a well-loved labrador retriever is happier than the richest, most powerful person in the world)
Many thanks to all of you who supported my marathon fundraisers in the past. Also, many thanks to Jennifer Williams, my wonderful friend who raises Canine Companions. And finally, a huge thanks to the great philosopher and humanitarian Tony Montana for gifting us the correct pronunciation of Cock-A-Roach.
Humbly,
Arun
