It seems unfair to have only 1 team , to group these two lost lives always so closely together, but unfortunately that is the life we were dealt.  

It has been a long, difficult road.  And always will be.

2.23.2016  The worst day of my life, or so I thought.  Each time I relive this day it hurts different, each time I speak of my beautiful baby and remember her perfect little face I feel broken, over and over.

After a completely healthy pregnancy in 2014, We were optimistic and excited, getting ready to sell our home to make room for our soon to be expanded family May of 2017.  Then I woke up, feeling like something wasn't righit.  I was only 28 weeks, so I figured, I stop in the doctors office just to make sure everything was okay.  Immediately I went in, he listened for a heart beat.

nothing.

No one can ever prepare you for something like that, it still makes me sick to many stomach.  I was shocked.   I called Ty multiple times on the phone until he finally callled back, then I had to break his heart after mine had been shredded.

After a long induction process at the hospital, I gave birth to a silent, beautiful, perfect baby.

What I would have given to have heard a screaming baby.  Josephine was born sleeping and they attributed it to a 'cord accident' as all other tests were normal, no restrictions, just a perfect child whose heart stopped.  We thought it was a freak accident, our lives continued, albeit, broken, we walked on, because we had no choice.

3.10.2017

Months later, we found the courage to try again, knowing we wanted to expand our family, we thought lightning couldn't possibly strike twice.

Boy, were we wrong.

Monday prior I had gone in for a non stress test just to be sure everything was good - of course they did the exam and sent me home an hours later, told me the baby was doing great.

Thursday, I came home for a work , laid in bed for my usual kick count (after having a morning and afternoon of normal counts).  after 15 minutes I didn't feel anything, I told Ty, grabbed some juice, laid back down.

After another 10 minutes, Ty said, let's go to the hospital.

Called the doctor, he said, come on down, we can confirm the baby is okay.

Worst ride ever...no movements, devastation and disbelief are not strong enough words.

Ultrasound fired up immediately....nothing. I just cried, a real ugly, cry.  And more anger, more than ever. How?  Why?  There is nothing good in this world that could allow this to happen to us, AGAIN

But it was, and did happen.  Another beautiful, sleeping, baby boy, Thomas John.

Again, all tests normal, chromosomes, autopsy, NORMAL, healthy, fit to join this world..

Agony, confusion from a 2 year old of where the baby was.  She would ask why other people got to have babies but not her?  She made getting out of bed a necessity and helped mend broken hearts.  Our first born daughter, Eleanor has been holding our world together, thank god.

So skip to present day, a fibroid removal and uterine septum resection later we are hopeful for a bright future, afraid of course, and nothing will ever replace our lost babies, but we hope to encourage proper diagnosis of potential uterine dysfunction so others don't go through our scenario.    Hopefully positive news will be in our future, but for now we take it one day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time, lucky to have our amazing support system and to have eachother.

To laughter and love, Natalie Ty and Eleanor

if you want a better, well written, documentation of the days, Ty writes so beautiful and is so talented in his written word.