Ryan Matthew Wetjen, August 18, 2010

I was pregnant with our first child in 2010. Only 4 months later, my husband, Matt was deployed to Iraq for 1 year. My pregnancy went without issues, a strong heartbeat at every visit, no worries and no complications. At 19 weeks the ultrasound showed a healthy baby boy. We named him Ryan Matthew.

Nearly half way through August 2010, I had not felt Ryan kick. I started to get worried and my sister took me to the ER. They did an ultrasound and were having trouble finding the heartbeat. They assured me it was because they didn't have much experience with ultrasounds but I knew it was more. My brother-in-law pushed me quickly in a wheelchair to the elevators. On the maternity floor, they did another ultrasound. It was there, that our lives changed forever. Ryan had died at 37 weeks. That moment is something that I can't adequately put into words. I realized I would have to call Matt and tell him what happened. It was the hardest phone call I have ever made.

We contacted the Red Cross to tell Matt that he needed to call home. When he finally called back, I lost it. I could barely get the words out, “Ryan is gone.” It was a horrible connection but he heard all that he needed too. I asked him to go back to his CHU so that we could Skype one another. Once we connected again, I could see him on a grainy video, crying, confused and worried about me. We cried together as he was packing and trying to figure out when he would get home.

I was admitted to the hospital the next morning. The entire staff on the maternity floor knew what had happened and everyone was waiting for Matt to arrive. Finally, 2 days after our conversation, he walked through the door, in uniform and exhausted after a frenzied 30 hour trip. All we could manage at that moment was to hold each other and cry for Ryan and ourselves. I couldn't help but think that Matt was supposed to walk through those very doors, 2 weeks later while he was on leave, wearing scrubs with that proud new daddy smile.

When I finally delivered Ryan, the doctor told us that the cord had been wrapped numerous times around his neck. It had been pulled so taut that it was only the diameter of a pencil. We just held him sobbing in disbelief. Through all of our grief we could see that Ryan was beautiful in every way. Our family and friends were invited to hold him. We wanted Ryan to feel everyone's love and for our family and friends to say good-bye.

One of the harder things I have done, was to leave my son knowing that he would never come home with us. Then 10 days later, Matt’s leave was over. We tried everything to keep him home a little longer but we were unsuccessful. We couldn’t believe we were going to be apart for 7 months. Those months felt like years. Finally, his deployment was over and Matt arrived back on U.S. soil safe and sound. Then, one and half years after losing Ryan, we had our son Mason and soon after, our son Logan. Both boys were healthy and just as beautiful as their big brother. They will be connected as brothers forever, no matter where they are. #brothersforever  #mommyofanangel