On February 24, 2015 we held our first born son, Alexander, for the very first and last time. That day was the greatest and worst day of my life, and I’d live it all over again to have his heart beat one more time. I birthed him into this world, but it was also my own birth into motherhood, a moment that has forever changed me-destroyed me in the most beautiful way.
This past February, Alexander would have turned two years old. We should be celebrating with a birthday party, but instead we will be participating in the Let’s Not Be Still! New York 5K in Port Washington in his memory. This is my way of honoring his short life while trying to make a difference. The Star Legacy Foundation has given me a chance to make something positive come out of the darkest time of my life. It is an organization created and developed by families whose lives were also impacted by stillbirth and it focuses on providing support, raising awareness, and promoting research.
The statistic still shocks me, even to this day. 1 out of 160 women will experience this life-changing tragedy in the United States alone; over three million babies are lost worldwide. And in most cases, the cause is unknown. Imagine going through a seemingly perfect pregnancy and having your hopes and dreams crushed in an instant with the dreaded words, “there is no heartbeat”. What’s equally shocking is that this statistic has not changed in over three decades. I chose to speak up about my loss, but there are so many others who suffer in silence. Stillbirth happens more than we like to talk about, and by sharing my story I have learned of too many women who have walked in my shoes. The years may pass but their pain is still fresh, and they don’t miss a beat when they tell me how old their child would be today.
Two years later, blessed with a beautiful daughter who will always wonder about her big brother, and my heart is still both full and broken. Time and new life will never make me whole again, but they have helped me to heal in all the ways I needed to become the person I was always meant to be: a mother to children in both heaven and on earth. And though we may have only had some 54 million heartbeats with Alexander, his tiny legacy prevails on this earth. He was born still but he was still born, and he is still loved. He is still our great Alexander…may his legacy be boundless in this world and his life endless in our hearts.
At last year's 5K, I was both humbled and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hope to see you all on April 22nd!