2015 held so much promise. Until it didn't. 

In April 2015, my husband and I found out I was pregnant with our first child, due in December. My morning sickness was rough, causing me to actually lose weight, and I was so happy when that finally wore off in the second trimester. But at every appointment, I was still under my goal weight gain.

Then at my 32 week appointment (October 15, 2015) I weighed in with an 11 pound weight gain. Incredibly rare for me. I knew it was from all the swelling in my feet and lower legs. My doctor's eyes widened when she saw that in my chart. Over the next two weeks I was told I could only gain 2-3 pounds and to stay off my feet. I was told this could be the first sign of preeclampsia, but my BP was great and there was no protein in my urine. She shrugged it off and casually mentioned inducing early if need be. This news left me scared and in tears.

On Tuesday October 20, 2015 I decided to weigh myself at home to make sure I hadn't gained more weight. I gained an additional 5 pounds in 5 days. The next day I called the doctor's office. The doctor on call decided I needed to come in to have my BP taken and to be weighed. They wanted me to go in on Thursday or Friday (preferably Thursday), but I needed to work so I made the appointment for Friday October 23. After work that day (Wednesday) my mom had me stop at CVS to check my BP just to be safe. I didn't want to since I would be at the doc in a day and a half, but I did anyways. It was elevated. 144/97. Nothing crazy like some women with preeclampsia, but for me that was high. And I was scared. My mom came over that night while Joel and I had dinner because I was so upset and scared I would be delivering Eloise early. I mentioned I was having some pressure and lower back pain, but it wasn't bad. At our birthing class the weekend before they said I would feel the baby flip to heads down which I believe is what I felt on Monday, so when the pressure and back pain started I assumed it was because Eloise was getting ready to make her grand entrance.

The pressure that started Wednesday night grew stronger over the next few hours. I debated calling the doctor, but it was still manageable. I tried to go to bed, but kept getting up to go to the bathroom. By 11:15pm I knew something was wrong and the pain was no longer something I could deal with. I got incredibly hot and sat on the tile bathroom floor to try to help. While sitting there, I felt a pop and right after a gush of something. Never having given birth before, I thought maybe at worst my water broke and I was in labor. I felt to see what it was, and my hand was full of blood. I screamed for Joel who was asleep. I was crying saying I'm bleeding and needed something to try to stop it, and I wanted to call an ambulance. Thankfully Joel was able to keep his head on straight enough to know that he could get me to the hospital faster than waiting for an ambulance. He got to the hospital in 15 minutes. By now it's just after midnight. October 22, 2015.

We rushed up to labor and delivery where I was put in a triage room. I was shaking so much and was so cold. The first OB Doctor came in while nurses tried to find Eloise's heartbeat. They couldn't. Another nurse kept asking if I was always this pale and I couldn't answer, so they asked Joel who of course was in shock over everything that was happening. He said sure I dont know she lives in Ohio. But my lips were almost white. The nurse that had been trying to find Ellie's heartbeat got an ultrasound machine. I told her we have always had trouble finding her heartbeat at regular checkups, that she was just a stubborn little girl like her momma. They found the placenta and told me it was right in front, which is why finding her heartbeat was difficult. I never knew that's where it was. They finally found Ellie, and after what seemed like forever, they once again said there was no heartbeat. While being told that, the other OB doctor was talking to me about giving me a c-section because of how much blood I had lost that they needed to get me into the OR as soon as possible. Between both of those conversations going on, I just kept saying "Okay, Okay, Okay" still in shock over everything. I had no thoughts. From there everything seems like a blur, I don't remember too much. I know they wheeled me down the hall, and I can remember them lifting me onto the operating table because it hurt so bad. I was shaking so much, and was freezing cold. I also remember them strapping my legs down to the table.
            I woke up in the ICU, but everything is still a blur. I have seen pictures of me from when I woke up holding Eloise for the first time but I cannot actually remember it. That makes me incredibly sad. I'm happy to have those pictures, and to have been given the opportunity to hold her, I just wish I could remember it. What I do remember is the feeling of not having mobility in my left arm.

I had Joel post something in the photography group I am in on Facebook looking for someone that could come take pictures for us, as I didn't have a number for someone from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." I am so incredibly thankful to have these photos. Thank goodness someone was awake. Those photos are the only photos I'm going to have of my baby girl.

This year will be her 10th birthday. 10 years of missed moments. 10 years of wondering who she would be. 10 years of wondering what she would look like. 10 years of missing her.