We are approaching eight years with and without our love, Caius. Eight years of wondering who he'd be and how he'd fit among our family, what would his likes and dislikes be, would he be tall like his brothers or our shorty, what would his voice sound like, what nicknames would evolve from his personality as I have so many names for each of his brothers, would he love sports, would he favor sweets like Finnick and Malec or savory options like Bain or love fruit like Hale, would he be an introvert or outgoing, would he love board games and movies, would he want to be outside all day, what would he want to be when he grows up or even right now for that matter, what is his favorite color, what costume would I be looking for for him, would he be quiet or loud, what books would he choose from the library each week, would homework time be a breeze or a battle, would he love rollercoasters, would he despise candy corn... So many questions... 

Yes, my son died. No, I will never get over him not being here. Yes, I love him just like I love his brothers here on Earth. 

Caius is my second born son; little brother to Bain and big brother to Finnick, Malec and Hale. He died and was born on October 22, 2015. 

Seven years ago, the first time Heather asked me to share Cai's Story, I remember beginning with, "every child is a story yet to be told.." This statement still holds true. Caius like all of the children honored at Lydie's Loop and beyond deserve to be shared with the world.

As I stated, Caius is my second child. For me, getting pregnant a second time was a big deal. During my first pregnancy I experienced preeclampsia, HELLP syndrome and almost died. Tom and I were nervous but hopeful to continue growing our family. Biggest brother, Bain, our first son brought so much joy into our lives that we knew we'd eventually want more children. And so in 2015, Tom and I knew we were ready to try and I quickly became pregnant with Cai. I often tell my family that I'm a slave to dates on a calendar and it's all because Caius died. I remember my pregnancy with him from each appointment and sharing of his pregnancy and events that occured, holidays I celebrated while pregnant, our family vacation that year, others being pregnant, ultrasounds of Caius, conversations, etc. I remember it all. Those are the few memories I have of Caius and so I cling to them. My time with him was so short in the grand scheme of things. 

As my pregnancy with Caius progressed, I was told that I had a "low-lying placenta" and with each visit I would hold my breath hoping that my placenta had moved into an ideal position. Unfortunately, my placenta stayed firmly planted covering my entire cervix, blocking the birth canal for delivery. A C-section would be scheduled. I had a bleeding episode one month before Caius's birthday and a second bleeding episode two weeks prior to his birthday. For the second episode, I was admitted into the hospital. I asked for a transfer to a trauma one hospital knowing that if anything were to happen, I'd want to be with my baby. So, I was transferred to a different hospital, admitted for five days and discharged exactly one week before Cai would be born. I didn't know any of the doctors and felt like a bother to them. I remember feeling so alone there with just Caius and I. So I talked to him and wrote to him (thinking that one day he'd actually read my letter to him). It was a somber five days and when they told me I'd be discharged, I was happy and scared. Happy to be out of there but still worried about my baby. But I wasn't bleeding while in the hospital and still had a few weeks before they wanted me to deliver and so I was sent on my way and told to follow up with my regular doctor. I tried to schedule an appointment with her as soon as possible but she couldn't fit me in until Wednesday October 21st. Since, I was discharged from the other hospital and my own doctor's office wasn't in a rush to see me, I felt like I was worrying too much about nothing. 

I spent the next week, trying to prepare for Cai's arrival while taking things easy, but also worrying and caring for Bain. I had my appointment on Wednesday morning, where I heard Caius's heartbeat for what I didn't know would be the last time. That's it, they checked his heartbeat, asked me how I felt and sent me home again. Less than 24 hours later, I started bleeding. I started bleeding a lot. Tom had left for work, Bain was asleep and I just remember thinking I need to get my phone and call for help..

I'm told that when I arrived to the hospital, I barely had a pulse. But I remember feeling Caius in the ambulance and I remember contractions and I remember arriving to have them search for a heartbeat and several people tell me, "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." I cry everytime I think of this moment. So much was going on and while everyone was talking and I could hear them and I could hear Tom and his sister crying too, I could also just hear silence. It was deafening and something I will never forget. I remember silently pleading for them to be wrong, for Caius to be alive. The doctors and nurses were scrambling to take me for an emergency C-section because they didn't want to lose me too. I remember asking several times if I'd get to hold my baby and not succumbing to the anesthesia until the doctor finally said yes. 

I woke up, just wanting to hold my baby. He was absolutely perfect. He resembled his big brother and daddy. He felt so warm in my arms. I could barely move and so I snuggled him for a little bit. I remember telling myself the physical pain was nothing and that all I wanted was to have time with my baby boy, I needed to remember every moment there in that tiny hospital room where time taunted me. Our nurse was kind. She asked if we wanted photos and I immediately said yes. We were asked about cremation or burial, what funeral home we were going with, if we wanted an autopsy.... questions that you don't associate with giving birth. Our time together was not enough. It was mere hours and I hate that I didn't ask for more. I hate that we had to hand over our baby to a funeral home. I'm grateful for all who came to see Caius and those who continue to support us. I cherish his photos, I wakeup everyday wishing he was here and I hope that others don't ever have to know the excruciating pain of having their baby die. 

Please remember with my family, our son, a brother, a grandson, a cousin, a nephew: Caius Patrick Thoren Williams, who was born at 11:22 am on Thursday, October 22, 2015. Second son to Tom and I, little brother to Bain, big brother to Finnick, Malec and Hale. He loved watermelon, smoothies, spicy foods and soup. He enjoyed evenings listening to his daddy and big brother talking to him. He will forever be a part of me and I love remembering him. I love hearing his name spoken. I am grateful to our family for being at the hospital on the day of his birth. I'm grateful for all the sacred moments we shared. I will always remember holding him in my arms for the first and final time. I remember the love that connects us and I'm honored to be his mama. Tom and I will always keep him close and include him in our every day lives because he is forever written into the history of our hearts and family, our little bolt of lightning.