Our Story.

July 19th, 2019, I started having contractions around 10am.( This is around the time when Evelyn stopped moving. I didn’t think anything of it, I figure she was napping and getting ready for her big appearance and getting nice and snuggled into my pelvis.) My contractions became more regular and painful, but regardless, I spent the day playing with my girls, walking to the park and spending lots of outdoor time in the sunshine. I remember being so excited. I knew that this was it and it was the first time I allowed my body to go into labor on its own without an induction. It was a huge accomplishment for me! I was proud of myself for staying active and really allowing my body to do what it could do when it was ready. I had my sweet friend, Deb, come by to get my girls at 8;30 for their sleepover! We got the kids settled in the car and we stood together with our hands on my belly and she said a sweet prayer over Evelyn and I. It was one of my sweetest memories, the sun was about to go down, the sky was beautiful shades of blue and yellow and there was a perfect summer breeze… the perfect night for my sweet baby to come. My doula and I stayed in touch all day, she was going to pick me up when it was time to go! My husband was on a 7-month deployment at the time, so she was my ride and my companion. Around 10:30pm I started thinking about her movement. I hadn’t been too concerned because I thought i felt her move maybe once or twice. I assumed everything was okay and normal, there was no abnormal bleeding or pain. About 12:30 i called Kendra, my doula, to come get me. We headed to the hospital with so much excitement. We talked and listened to music, the contractions were becoming super uncomfortable. We got to triage about 1am, got admitted and on to listen to the heartbeat and see where I was at. 

My first nurse seemed a bit inexperienced and clumsy. She wrestled around with the doppler, saying things like, “ I hear her, but it keeps going in and out.” She couldn’t find a heartbeat, so she went to get another nurse to assist her. The 2nd nurse couldnt find a heartbeat either. I started to have a sense of dread and a pit in my stomach. I think I knew then. She then asks for an ultrasound machine to be brought in, all while trying to keep me calm, but i could sense what they weren’t telling me. On the ultrasound machine you could see my lifeless little girl, still as can be. No red and blue pumping through to her heart, no movement, nothing. She was perfectly headdown, rounded spine, but  limp. The nurse called for the Midwife to be called immediately. Still no one said a word. Kendra and I exchanged many glances, she kepy encouraging me not to worry and let’s wait for the midwife. I was terrified. The midwife finally got there and she could not find the heartbeat and I remembe her looking at me and then asked for the OB to be called down. Everyone knew what no one was saying. It was the loudest silence I had ever heard. I thought my heart was going to break out of my chest. He came and in and solidified what we already knew. Everyone was looking at me with so much sympathy and sadness, it made me angry. No one said anything, so finally i said, “My baby is dead isn’t she?. My midwife finally spoke and said, “ Yes, she is gone.”

I was in such shock, I didn’t even know what to do. This could not be real. I felt her yesterday morning before I went into labor and know she is gone?! Kendra and I just looked at eachother. I had to go to the bathroom as I headed out from behind the curtain I had a million thoughts going through my head, “ I need my husband; I have to call red cross and get him home.” “Kalliana and Violet are going to be devastated that I their little sister died.” “I can’t posssibly go throguh this labor, I need a c-section immediately.” i left the bathroom with so much dread and sadness. All I could think is, “ My body failed me, I failed.” “ I couldn’t protect my daughter even on the inside where she was suppose to be the safest.” “ I was a failure and I hate myself, I wish i was dead too.” I got back to the triage room and told them I needed a c-section, i needed them to cut me open and take her out. There was no way I could survive going through labor knowing my baby girl was dead. I didn’t want to do it and I shhouldn’t have too. People get elective c-sections all the time right? 

 The midwife and OB stood there telling me the cons of having a c-section, I could die, etc. Things every woman hears when they want to give brith in the waythat is best for them and not the doctors. I had severe PPD with myu last daughter and I just didn’t think I was going to survive the death of my daughter and that it would be made worse if I had to wait hours and hours for her to come. They preceded to keep telling me that I had a choice but at the same time telling me i was making the wrong choice and that wasn’t the best for me. I messaged Jon to call me ASAP. He was in Japan at the time and had to get off the ship and he had assumed I had Evelyn already. I was dreading this conversation the most. 

At this point we grabbed all of my stuff from the triage room and they wrapped a blanket around me and as the curtain opened there were about seven or eight nurses just standing and sitting there all looking at me with such sorrow and pity, I couldn't stand it. I know that they did it to make sure that I knew I wasn't alone but in that moment I was alone. This is the moment where I had stopped looking at people in their eyes, I could not make eye contact anymore. It was too much vulnerability that I could not spare. Not just that but it also made things real, I could see the sadness in everyone else and that meant that the death of my little girl was real. I don't know how I survived this day. It was a whirlwind and things were just happening to me, like I had no choice in it at all. They walked me and Kendra down to what I called, quote the isolation room. Quotation marks it was so far and I have no idea to this day where I was. All I knew was that I was 40 weeks and five days pregnant, my daughter was alive yesterday and now she was dead. I could not process or understand how this could have happened. I had my doula call the Red Cross and start the process to hopefully get John home. She was in and out of the room while they had my blood drawn, about 20 vials worth. They checked for every possible thing that could have gone wrong including self inflicting things that I could have done. I felt so angry at the thought of them thinking that I had done this by testing me for drugs. My midwife came in about an hour later to tell me that the OB absolutely did not want to give me a C-section, he was actually refusing well at the same time telling me I had a choice. At this point it was clear that they what they had meant is that I had a choice as long as it was the right choice. Which meant going through labor and having her vaginally. And as someone who previously thought that you could not argue with doctors or question them I didn't. I would not give up the fact that I wanted a C-section. Kendra left the room to get ice for me, she came back 5 minutes later and they had coerced me into having her vaginally. I gave in because we were going around in circles and I was sitting there having contractions and in pain. Kendra and I were both so I rate at how all this had went down it was unfair and my choice was taken. After the blood draw they had the anesthesiologist come in to give me my epidural and pain meds because if I had to do this their way I was going to have all the drugs that I could take. After the epidural and shots and shots of fentanyl I was in and out for about 9 to 10 more hours that is how long I had to think about what was happening to me, the fact that my life had been destroyed in a matter of a day and now I had to lay in bed and go over and over it in my head waiting for my body to finish the work it had started. I remember facing the window in the blinds were partially opened and the sun started coming up and I could tell it was another beautiful day and all I wanted to do was run away and pretend that this wasn't real I cried and cried during this time I talked to my husband I talked to my dad and we were all devastated. I had a long fight ahead of me and I knew it. I kept thinking about the nursery I had built into my room in the last few hours before the hospital when I made sure to pack all the special things I had bought for Evelyn. I thought about the fact that I had to tell every person I knew that our baby died when I came home empty handed. I felt shame. Shame that my body had let my baby die and I didn't even know. At this point I kept switching sides because my legs and arms would go down and then finally we tried the peanut ball to open up my pelvis and after about two minutes I knew it was kind. I drew in a deep breath and cried out because I knew that she was dead and I wouldn't get to hear her cry or see her beautiful little eyes or get to breastfeed her. All the things that she and I had dreamt about the last nine months. It was the hardest moment of my life and the most fleeting. I had pushed one time and she came out, just like that. Right before she came out my water broke; it was intact the whole time and there was so much meconium that was crazy. She had poop all over her but I didn't care, they wrapped her up and hinted her right to me. In that moment, I was telling her to open her eyes and come back to me I was wishing for a miracle just this once, just for me and her. How you doing with wishful thinking but I did it anyways, you never realize what you'll do in a desperate moment. She was the sweetest, prettiest little baby I cannot believe how beautiful she was. She had Johns little buttchin in calion eyes cute little button nose. She was more perfect than I could have ever dreamt of, and in that moment I was furious with God. I was angered that he had taken my child away why would he make me go through an entire pregnancy just to have my body fail and deprive me of my baby. I couldn't understand anything.

I held her that day, all day, 8 hours. Unless she was being bathed dressed or having her photos taken or when I took a shower she was in my arms. Those few precious hours were all I got to make memories with my baby. I was so sad that John was so far away and he couldn't even hold her or say goodbye. I had so many thoughts and a lot of them I couldn't help but think, isn't this morbid? Holding my dead baby all day? I obviously realized I didn't care and I knew that I never wanted to let go of her, and I definitely didn't wanna leave without her. I spent that time kissing her play with her little fingers and toes I'm just taking her in. I wish I could have had the courage to give her her bath myself but I couldn't. My sweet nurse, Michelle, gave her her bath before her photos her little body was so precious and soft. I had the chaplain committed say a prayer over Evelyn did I did she talk to me a little bit, although I can't remember what she said, I know she was so very gentle and kind. It was a sad day, everyone cried. The midwife who delivered my baby, Gretchen, wasn't there in the beginning, she was there at shift changed about three hours before I gave birth I could not have asked for anyone better. She had been doing this for 30 years and she had the experience to handle this so gently it compassionately. She gave me everything I asked for and kept me comfortable and held my hand and hugged me and did everything she could. In the most painful time of my life, I was surrounded by nothing but love and kindness. Kendra had to leave but I had a friend who came to be with me and Take Me Home. Jenna is also the only other person in this world who got to hold her. Kendra had make made sure to talk to Jenna about setting up a meal train edit listed our other friends to help me once we got home. Jenna just sat with me that whole day while I held my baby and cried. If there was ever a definition of holding space for someone this was it. She was just there. I cried all day said he: it would bubble up out of me sometimes and whimpers and other times I cried out so much pain I thought I was going to die from it but I didn't. That's the awful thing about grief you don't actually just die from it. It just consumes you little by little and then you have to crawl out of the despair and wretchedness one moment at a time.