POWERLESS
This word resonates with me in such a profound way. It describes exactly how I felt about my mother’s death. My mother had developed a neurological disease that had no other mission but to destroy my mother’s brain. There is no cure, there was no slowing down the process, there was nothing. We had no idea of the time we had before it finished its course. It was ravenous, it was demanding, it was unquenchable, unforgivable, and it would stop at nothing until it took her life.
The disease was awakened and from that moment on, it worked all day and night. Like a thief in the night, it worked overtime to take control of every function of my mom’s body. Before I realized it, my mother was no longer capable of using the part of her brain that makes you able to hold a loving and caring conversation with your child. As I look back, ninety-five percent of the time was in caretaking mode, trying to understand what was happening to my mother. The last five percent was trying to spend as much time with her, hoping to get even a glimpse of the mom we once knew a few months earlier. I sat next to her bed, telling her not to be afraid and that it was okay for her to leave and be with God, that we would be okay. But deep down inside I wanted to scream and drop down to my knees and beg and plead with her, to not go! I yelled at that stupid prion, yelled – why her! I asked God for a miracle, I asked for him to make her new but even as I asked, I heard a small still voice inside me, tell me, that this was His way and His will. I knew then that this is the way it had to be, so I didn’t ask again. Instead, I dug deep down in the comfort of God’s promise that He will be with me, beside me, through this extremely difficult next chapter.
It still hurts. I never realized it before but there are so many things around me that remind me of her. She is gone, but I miss her in a way that I have never missed anyone before.
We do not know why this sporadically happen to her and we need more research to find this out. Please join me in raising money for this cause to help further research for answers and a cure.