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Here's our story...
It was a beautiful October day. The whole week had been very busy. Monday we had a doctor appointment to check on Berkley and everything was great. After work Wednesday I had a board meeting for the Rescue I volunteer with. I was having contractions during the whole meeting. Everyone was teasing me that they didn’t want my water to break at the meeting. Thursday morning I woke up in a horrible mood and didn’t feel good. Berkley was moving positions a lot but the contractions were gone.
Later that night when I was getting ready for bed I started to get nervous because I couldn’t remember the last time she had kicked. She was still moving positions but just not kicking. I know the doctor had reassured me that she was running out of room and she wouldn’t be moving like she was weeks before. Since she was moving positions I was hoping she was ok.
I called labor and delivery to tell them I was nervous. She sounded like she had heard this many times before. She said, “Just drink some water and wait an hour. Then call back if you need to.” In that hour I slammed water, chocolate milk, ginger ale and ice water. As we laid in bed terrified. Tony was spooning me, holding my tummy hoping for her to kick. We both could feel her move but no kicking. We called her back and she said to come in.
As we left the house it was now dark, cold and raining. My body began to shake uncontrollably. I was so scared something was wrong but, I also was telling myself that I am just a scared first time mom. Hoping everything was fine.
We arrived at the hospital and had to go through the emergency room to go up to labor and delivery. My nerves took over and I got sick on the way up. The nurses up there reassured us that they could feel her moving. They even asked me if I could because, they were so sure of it. They had a hard time finding her heartbeat but said they kept getting it every once in a while. They told us they thought that she was in a strange position and maybe had too much fluid in there with her.
We came back up from having an ultrasound. The tech wouldn’t tell us anything. The nurse came walking in and asked, “What did they say?” I then got extremely nervous and could see the look on her face change when I told her the tech wouldn’t say anything. My doctor came walking in. I knew it was something bad because it was now 4am in morning and my doctor is here. I could see it on her face and then she said the words that will haunt me the rest of my life, “She is gone.”
I looked over at Tony and he was staring thousands of miles away. My body began to shake again and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I couldn’t believe it was real, it was happening to us, and she was gone.
Here's why we are raising funds...
Last year we spent Mother’s Day much different then we are spending it this year. Last year we saw you for the first time and found out you were a little girl. That was one of my happiest days of my life. The reality of seeing you and knowing who you were.
From that day on we spent the rest of the pregnancy imagining what life would be like raising a little girl. I was so happy imagining a little girl following her father around the garage. Our little daughter playing dress up with her mommy. We fell in love with you so fast and started to plan our future with you, everything was imagined with you here with us.
You are gone, and that is why life is so hard these days. We will never know what color eyes you had, what color your hair would have been, what you would look like as you grew. We never heard your first cry, first laugh, or watched you take your first steps. We never got to see you off for your first day of school, watch you get married or start a family of your own. Our family will always be different with out you here.
That’s why life is so different, so hard and full of pain. We have a lot of things we have to come to terms with. Things that will never make sense.
They are so hard because, you taught us what unconditional love is, what beauty is, what is like to love and lose. I could have never imagined life this way. Without you.
Losing you has changed me. I know an unimaginable love that exist in parents. Even though you are gone, I still worry about how you left, were you ok, did you suffer and are you okay now? So far from us physically but you make up every ounce of us mentally and spiritually.
You taught me how strong I am. How strong our marriage is. Our rose colored glasses have been shattered and we can see things differently then we ever imagined. Our beliefs about what life on earth is about and why things happen is this world. You taught me the importance of compassion, understanding, and how to be a better person.
We fight everyday to be the people we used to be. We will never be exactly those people again and that’s ok. Losing you makes me want to be a better person, wife, friend and mother than I ever could have been.
Last Mother’s Day you were here and I felt like I wasn’t a mother yet. This year you are gone and I feel more like a mother than I ever have because, you taught us what is like to love your child so unconditionally that even in death we still feel the love for you over anything else. I love you more than you will ever know, our beautiful Berkley.
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