I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 18 and I wasn’t sure what it really meant until I was extremely tired of suffering. I’ve always had some self awareness and insight but I didn’t have the skills to ask for help, so I cried out through the use of several substances and a series of impulsive decisions. After being hospitalized for my self harming and suicidality, I joined a DBT program at NY Presbyterian which wasn’t my last program. I was still very lost and couldn’t even begin to think of how I could have a voice in the world. I was immensely afraid of getting help and being seen. I was so afraid to take up space that I filled it with pleas for love and validation from people who couldn’t give it to me while being terribly afraid of anyone who claimed that they could. I was literally thinking how can anyone possibly help me and why would they want to. This very thought fed my self destruction. I’m not worthy so let me show me how unworthy I am. Let me have control over my pain and hurt myself more than anyone ever could. I’ve attempted to kill myself six times. And I really wanted to die. Throughout my journey, I figured out that I only wanted to kill certain parts of me. Only now am I able to create some distance from the child in me that was hurt and abandoned. I’ve finally found my voice and now all I can think about are ways that I can use it for good. I need to use it to speak up for myself because no one is coming to save me. This realization was scary to me but tremendously eye opening because it gave me the power that my trauma took from me. I need to use my voice to speak for anyone who still hasn’t found the courage to make that call before grabbing a bottle of pills. There aren’t any words that can express my appreciation for all of the amazing therapists and psychiatrists that have worked with me. I wouldn’t be where I am now without any of them. They are forever in my heart and I hope to repay them by simply giving back the gift that they’ve openly given to me, which was pure love and compassion. Some days are harder than others, but I have so much gratitude for the girl that I was and for the woman that I am becoming. I like to spend my free time listening to music, writing poetry, and playing sports. I’ve found that I’m happiest when I’m able to enjoy the little treasures that life has to offer. I love extending an open ear and genuine support to my loved ones because I know what it is like to be silenced. To anyone reading my story, it is never too late to feel whole again. Thank you for supporting this disorder that is greatly stigmatized and misunderstood. It is both beautiful and painful to feel but I hope that you honor and validate your emotions because they always matter. 

I feel weirdly honored to share a poem that I wrote during my dark days.

Conversations with a girl trapped inside of her head (2019)

Afraid to exist and afraid of disappearing

Contradictions spiraling in my mind 

It’s chaotic in here 

Constantly being blinded by fear.

I go through acts of disappearing often 

Some days I’m back to being 9

Other days, I feel like I’m on my way to the cemetery. 

And when you ask me how I’m doing, I’m always afraid that my answer will only contain of black smoke and carbon dioxide.

So I reply with, “I’m okay today.”

A lie that on good days, I can convince myself to be true.

No more pity parties Tamesha

I hate feeling bad for myself.

Hiding is an act of survival for me

Someone cannot hurt what they cannot see 

It’s safe but suffocating. 

My inability to express my needs, left the child in me lost and abandoned

I hate all of this self awareness.

Rumination killing me slowly 

Dissociation leaving me lonely

Isolation in the mind, perfected by a disguise 

My subconscious is a self destructive, numb being who wants me dead. 

Can you see me drowning?

I don’t think I hide it well anymore.

My body stopped being able to hold the weight of my thoughts

But no one wants to hear about the nights you barely dodge the bullet.

I can’t aim to be happy 

It seems too surreal 

I’m only looking for peace within my own mind

To feel safe inside of my own mind and body.

Tamesha Brown