Gaines
We found out we were pregnant on President’s Day weekend of 2022. I had felt a little off and happened to have a pregnancy test so I took it on a whim. I left it on the bathroom counter and forgot about it until I walked back in a while later and saw it-as positive as positive could be. We were initially terrified-we were not planning on having a baby yet and were worried about whether or not we were ready, as any first-time parent is. As the months went on, our nerves turned into excitement. We shared our news with friends and family and they were equally as excited. Gaines was the first grandchild on both sides. As we got closer to the due date we finished the nursery, stuffing the closet full of clothes and the dresser full of diapers. We were so ready to be parents and bring our baby home.
On October 20th I went to work as usual, ready to take my Kindergartners on a field trip to the pumpkin patch. I noticed that I had not felt Gaines move yet that morning. His movements had been slowing down the last few days but being almost 39 weeks, I had read that that could be normal as the baby ran out of room. I texted Matt telling him that I was a little worried and he asked if we needed to go get checked out. I told him no, and I would forever think back on that moment and wonder if I had said yes, if our lives would be different.
I went on the field trip and was hyper-aware of my body-hoping to feel for movement of any kind. Part way through the day I thought I felt movement-I took a deep breath, said “thank god” and told myself to try to relax. When I got home later that day, I laid down on the couch and tried to do a kick count. I tried all the tricks of drinking water, having something sweet, and still felt nothing. I began to panic and something deep within me knew that he was gone.
Around 9pm I crawled into our walk-in closet, crying and filled with anxiety, and called the 24 hour nurses number to see if I needed to come in. I was hoping they would tell me I was worrying for nothing and that I didn’t need to come in, but they told me to head to the hospital to get checked out. I remember as we were leaving the house, Matt asked if he needed to grab the carseat and bags. I shook my head no. I knew deep in my heart that we would not be bringing our baby home.
The ride to the hospital was dark and silent. When we arrived and waited in the waiting room, I whispered to Matt, “I just hope there’s a heartbeat.”. We were taken back to triage and hooked up to the non stress test by the midwife. We were met with silence. I immediately knew and my entire body shut down. She would not say the words, but she went and got the doctor. They brought in an ultrasound machine and scanned quietly, asking me many questions that made me feel at fault-was I sure my water hadn’t broken? Had I had covid recently? It took what felt like hours for them to confirm what my heart already knew-our baby boy was gone.
I gave birth to Gaines Matthew Erdman on October 22, 2022, less than a week before we were scheduled to meet him. He was absolutely perfect. With the help of a warming device provided by the hospital, we were able to spend as much time with him as we needed. We both took turns holding him, looking at his perfect fingers and toes, and telling him how much we loved him. We cuddled as a family and cherished every minute, knowing they would be the only moments we had to take in everything about him that we could. The hospital gave us footprints and molds of his hands. Along with those, we have saved the clothes we wore when we held him and have not worn or washed them since-so that we always have his smell and the memory of being with him.
After many tests, the doctors would confirm that there was absolutely no cause for what happened to him. Nothing was wrong with the cord, placenta, him, or me-he was just taken from us with no explanation.
We share our story to keep his memory alive, and in the hopes that reading it may help one person feel less alone, or not think twice about going to check things out the second they feel like something is wrong.
We love and will remember you always, our sweet baby boy.