On Mother’s Day 2014, I found out I was pregnant again! This was the best Mother’s Day so far, not only was I a mom to my daughter, Sophia, but I was about to be a New mom again!

This pregnancy was different than my first- I was so sick and nauseous all the time and nothing made me feel better. Right away I knew I was having a boy which wouldn’t be confirmed for a few more weeks. My blood test came back and I wanted to surprise my husband, Aaron, with the results. My doctor wrote down the sex on a piece of paper and tucked it into an envelope. When I got home I gave the envelope to Aaron so he could open it. “It’s A Boy!” was written on the paper. I KNEW IT! I cried so hard because I really wanted a boy. 

At 12 weeks, I began to feel like myself again, no more nausea. 

At 25 weeks, I began having very intense Braxton-Hicks. For those of you that don’t know, Braxton-Hicks are “false” contractions that can begin starting as early as 6 weeks. I just knew what I was feeling wasn’t right. I just KNEW it. I would be walking into a store and the pain would stop me cold in my tracks. I contacted my then OB, and told her something wasn’t right. She told me it was fine and she would observe the situation in a few weeks at my next checkup. I still felt I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t push the issue.. 

At 28 weeks, I started having a grey discharge along with cramping. I thought it looked like my mucus plug was coming out and I became very scared. Once again I called my doctor who told me not to worry but to come in that week if I wanted to see her. I went to see her and she checked for his heartbeat which was as strong as ever. She did not offer an ultrasound since she didn’t do the ultrasounds, the ultrasound technician does them and that is a separate appointment. Since the insurance company I was with only offered 4 free ultrasounds during my 40 week pregnancy, I would have to pay out of pocket for more. We of course paid for another one. Everything looked fine but I wasn’t convinced. But what was I supposed to do?

At 35 weeks, Aaron and I became quite ill with a flu. It was December 15th. I know this because it was pouring rain that day and our daughter was having her preschool holiday performance and we were not able to attend. We sent her grandparents instead. This would be the last time I felt a once active baby moving inside of my tummy.

On the 6th night of Chanukah, we had a celebration at my mother in laws home. Everyone kept asking, “How do you feel?” “How is the baby?” My reply was always the same, “I feel great and Simon is sleeping, he is not very active right now.” Little did I know, Simon was actually sleeping and would not wake up.

At 37 weeks and one day, I started to get really worried and I Googled, “Why can’t I feel my baby moving?” The first thing that came up was, “Count the kicks and call your doctor.” I couldn’t feel any kicks. I didn’t feel anything. I called my doctor’s office- it was Friday at almost 5:00pm and they would be closing soon. My doctor wasn’t available and I spoke to a different woman doctor who told me to count the kicks. I said, “How do you do that?” “Count 10 kicks in one hour” she said. I told her, I couldn’t feel any kicks but I did feel a wave motion over my belly from time to time. She told me, I would be fine and got off the phone with me. I started to have an anxiety attack and I was crying and called Aaron at work. He told me, “Don’t worry, everything is fine, but if you’re worried go to the hospital.” I didn’t want to go to the hospital alone with my 3 year old daughter. I was an anxious mess. I waited a few more days until my next doctor visit to see what was happening.

At 37 weeks and 5 days, I had my last ultrasound. We were so excited to see Simon one last time before he made his debut. Aaron and I entered the ultrasound room and I got on the table ready to see my boy. Jokes were being made about something I can’t remember between Aaron and the ultrasound tech. I laughed and said, “Ok guys can we get started with this?” That is when our whole lives were turned upside down and inside out. The tech’s face turned white and she said, “Oh no, um, I have to get the doctor” I said, “OMG WHAT!? WTF is happening?” She said, she couldn’t find Simon’s heartbeat but maybe the doctor could. My doctor could not find Simon’s heartbeat either. I started yelling and screaming and crying that I wanted to die- “I want to die! I want to die! I can’t do this!” Aaron threw up into a trash can. I had finally had the worst day of my life with no exaggeration. 

My doctor told me, I should go home and think about what I wanted to do and come back in a few days. Um what!? No. I told her, “I want to do this now. I am not waiting for a few days with my dead son inside of me.” She said ok, I will meet you at the hospital. Not only did she not meet me at the hospital, but she wasn’t even there to deliver our son who passed away. Simon would be born Still. Meaning he was no longer alive. I honestly didn’t care for my doctor since she had told me not to worry so many times throughout my pregnancy, but I was so pissed off she just left me there like a discarded piece of trash. Luckily, my labor and delivery nurse, Sunny, was literally my ray of sunshine. I was put into a small room with no windows and she was able to bring me light and comfort me like no one had been able to do. 

If there is only one thing that I want others to take away from my story it is this: Always, ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. If you don’t agree with your doctor, get a second opinion. Do not be bullied by anyone Doctor, Friend, or Family, that tells you, “Oh you’re fine.” If you feel it inside of your bones blood and soul that something is wrong- something IS wrong. While I am not sure if this tragedy could have been prevented, I am sure that I should have listened to my gut and changed doctors, saw a doctor sooner when I had concerns, had more ultrasounds. I should have stood up for myself and MY BODY. And I didn’t. 

I felt so alone, sad, lost, depressed, guilty, ashamed, disgusted, and let down. I had no one to turn to and no information about Stillbirth. I looked for support groups in my area and found nothing. It was like Stillbirth information did not exist. I couldn’t believe that I had no idea where to turn and I stopped looking. Family and friends didn’t know what to say to me and I was even pushed away by other pregnant moms at the time. Maybe they thought I was contagious, I don’t know. I do know I had never felt so alone in my life. I am not sure when I found Star Legacy Foundation but when I did I made a small donation in honor of Simon Raphael Delug. His name would be written on a star that would hang from the ceiling at the organizations spring summit in Minnesota along with the other thousands of stillborn angels. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I received an email asking if I wanted to join the foundations Los Angeles chapter as a volunteer. I couldn’t believe it! I was so happy and excited to become a volunteer so I could help other families, like mine, to get information and research out there for healthcare providers and families so that maybe we could find a solution to this. There are approximately 26,000 stillborn babies every year here in the US. But why? What is the cause/s, what factors are in play? What could be done to prevent this if anything? 

Please consider joining our team or making a donation to this incredible organization which raises awareness, educates healthcare providers and medical professionals about stillbirth while teaching them how to handle our families during the moment we hear our child has no heartbeat. As of now there is no protocol practiced by clinics, hospitals and doctors during the event of a stillborn child. There is no registry of information collected by doctors and hospitals of our stillborn angels. No information anywhere. We know several causes of cancers and heart attacks because of the registry of information gathered and collected by professionals. We know nothing about stillbirth. 

Star Legacy Foundation is planning on changing that. With your help and support we can make this happen! 

Thank you so much for reading my story. Please share share share with everyone you know. 

All my love, 

Simon’s Mama.