From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved working with children, babysitting, volunteering at Sunday school, as a candy striper/volunteer at Akron Children’s Hospital, always with the youngest age group, infants/toddlers. I stumbled upon Child Life as a degree option and quickly knew that was the career that I would pursue. Fast forward to 2009 as my now husband, Burt, and I would both talk about how we wanted a lot of kids, 5-6. We both came from large families. I was 4th of 5 and he was 3rd of 7.
Once married, the conversation of starting a family was becoming a reality, only 2 maybe 3 was more realistic. I got pregnant easily, we saw a heartbeat, then were completely devastated to find out I had miscarried a few weeks later. I can remember the Dr saying, “don’t worry, this happens, you’ll go on to
have many children.” I thought it was just bad luck and I believed her. A few months later, I was expecting our now super awesome almost 15 yr old, Nathaniel. Mom goal achieved.
We moved back to NE Ohio, from Cincinnati and decided to try again. 2013 through 2015 came with more loss, diagnoses of a septate uterus and recurrent pregnancy loss. In 2016, we were pleasantly surprised to find out I was pregnant, as with the others, morning sickness came before the positive test. This time it would be different with frequent trips to the ER for dehydration and nausea/vomiting, diagnosis of hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), and a PICC Line (long term IV) to better manage symptoms
at home. I went into Child Life mom mode with Nathaniel, then 5, finding him the only children’s book on HG to help him understand why mommy was so sick. The highlight was that the sickness would stop when the baby comes home. Nathaniel would talk to my belly sometimes, and I could feel the baby move. Burt was a champion taking care of everything because I was so sick.
The 20-week scan was great; the baby was growing and healthy. We found out we would be having another boy. The doctor reassured me that even though I was miserable, down 40 pounds, my body was
doing its job. I started loving the thought that I would be Boymom of 2, with some angels in heaven. Unlike each pregnancy before, after the 1st I felt like we were in the safe zone, and it could not possibly happen again.
We were finally able to breathe knowing he was ok. I had already had our life planned with 2 boys, a family of 4, in my mind. To this point there was no physical planning or prepping of all the baby things or even sharing the pregnancy. We had what we needed from Nathaniel. We were cautiously optimistic, and I just wanted him in our arms first. Over the next 2 weeks, the HG continued, so my healthcare team
decided to have me come to the hospital to be assessed and admitted. At check-in the doppler was silent, and the portable ultrasound showed no movement.
At almost 6 months pregnant he did come, just not the way we ever imagined. The morning of Thursday March 2nd, 2017, we heard those dreaded words again for the fifth time, “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.” Lucas William Dolata was born at 8:33am on Friday, March 3, 2017.
The grief was and still is at times overwhelming. Time has lessened the waves, sometimes little ripples, occasionally, then a big wave crashes in when we least expect it. We still think of and talk about him,
imagine all four seats at the dinner table filled, and remember each milestone that he should have been here for. I wonder what it would be like with 2 baseball players and 2 scouts, a 9th and 4th grader. We have
traditions like Sweet Frog for dinner on his Birthday every year!
When a baby is stillborn, the process is the same as with a living child. Labor / delivery, cutting the cord, handprints, footprints, all the post-partum stuff still happens. No one plans to bury their child. It is not a normal part of the cycle of life. It is not something that can be gotten over or moved on from. We never got an answer as to why he was stillborn, and many families don’t. He was growing on track and genetically healthy.
A few weeks after Lucas died, Nathaniel came in from the back yard with a dandelion. He handed it to me
and said, “Here mommy it’s a dandelion. It has Lucas’ love in it. It is ok if it dies because I can get you another one. They all have it.” That has stuck with us, and now we can smile and even get excited at the
sight of the first one every spring.
We have found ways to keep his love alive with donations in his memory, supporting causes related to pregnancy loss and stillbirth. I am a core member of a parent lead support group (Precious Parents/Akron
Children’s) for pregnancy through infancy loss, where the core group helps other families navigate through their “new normal.” Looking back now, I was a mom for the first pregnancy. Any type of loss is not any less important than another, simply different.
We continue to work through the grief of so much loss, struggling with faith around God’s plan vs our plan. Stillbirth is horrible and would never wish it on anyone. We are so incredibly grateful for Nathaniel,
our miracle. I can enjoy working with children again in formal settings, taking comfort that one day we will all be together again. It’s a day I dream about. Until then we will move forward as a family and look
forward to seeing dandelions.
Lucas’ Mommy