I always wanted to be a mom. I ached to have a family. So when Nick and I were faced with the mysterious diagnosis of "infertility" at only 24 years old, there was never a doubt we would do whatever we needed to do to become parents.

Fast forward five and a half years, countless shots, invasive procedures, painful surgeries, and one devastating loss and I was finally pregnant with our miracle baby boy. I was a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy. I was so scared something would happen and I never really let myself breathe. 

At 33 weeks pregnant, my blood pressure started to get a bit higher than the doctors were comfortable with. They started watching it. Then, my 35 week appointment came and I told the doctor I had pain in my upper abdomen. He told me that was the baby's foot and he was more concerned with my blood pressure which kept creeping into concerning levels. The doctor told me I should stop working by the following week and "take it easy". I went back to work that day (teacher life), but couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't okay.

Nick was used to my crazy anxiety at this point, and he tried to convince me I was fine. "You were JUST at the doctor. The baby is kicking. It's all okay." But, I couldn't let it go. I truly believe God gave me that mother's intutition that something was wrong. We drove t the ER and my bp was very, very high but they told me it was my nerves. My urine never had protein which is that tell tale sign they look for. They took my blood, monitored the baby, and told me I probably would need to be on bedrest until the baby came. 

As we were waiting for my bloodwork and Nick was teasing me about my crazy anxiety, we got a phone call from my mom. My father had a heart attack and was undergoing heart surgery at a different hospital. I started to get dressed frantically and looked for the nurse to tell her we had to go. Outside the door, I heard the doctor say "I can't believe it, but she has it and she is not leaving."

She entered the room and asked me if I knew what HELLP Syndrome was. Of course I did. I read every pregnancy book. My mind started racing. She told me I wasn't leaving and I would have the baby that night. The room started spinning and I grabbed the side of the bed. "It was too early, my dad had a heart attack, my mom isn't here, people die from this, mothers and babies can DIE from this..." I saw the fear in my husband's eyes as he called my mom and our families.

They wheeled me to a hospital room as the doctor explained they would try to quickly induce me. They told me it was safer than a c-section because my platelets were dropping and there was a danger of bleeding out. My husband left to get our things- the baby bag wasn't even packed yet!- and I tried to calm down. But, I kept feeling sicker- like I had the flu. The nurse took my blood and a bit later, the doctor rushed in and said "It's getting worse and quickly. We need to do an emergency c-section now. Your doctor is on the way."

You know those scenes from Grey's Anatomy when the doctors are running the stretcher down the hall? Pretty accurate. Everyone started rushing. They called in the anesthesiologist in to talk to me. He would try to keep me awake to meet my son, but he would be ready to put me out if "things got complicated". I was shaking uncontrollably, I was crying, and I was begging God to protect my baby and let me still be here to be his mom.

I will never forget the moment right before they gave me the spinal. It got eerily quiet in the operating room for a moment. My head was bowed as I was praying and I was cradling my belly, and I felt Lucas give me a good kick. I knew in that moment that I would never feel that again. I knew I would never be able to be pregnan again. The combination of infertility and HELLP took that from me. This was the last time I would ever feel that amazing, indescribable feeling of life within you. A tear slipped down my face as I whispered to him "We are going to be okay. I fought for you for years. Mommy will keep fighting."

Lucas was born at 4:14 am on April 15, 2014. He weighed 5.6 ounces. By the grace of God, he was healthy. He was perfect. I got to hold him for a moment and he was whisked away to the NICU and I was taken to the ICU where I would be on the awful magnesium drip to prevent seizures. We were both hospitalized for a week with amazingly no real complications. We got to go home on Easter, and that symbolism was not lost on me.

I believe with everything that I am that Lucas is a gift from God, a blessing, and an answer to years of prayers, We tell him that God gave us the best one because He knew we could only have one. All parents appreciate their kids, but we don't take one moment for granted.

Infertility and HELLP Syndrome will always be a part of my identity, of my story, but now there is a much bigger part- and that's being a Mommy.