Tony and I were married in September of 2013 and we had excitedly talked about children throughout the course of our entire relationship. I found out I was pregnant that November and I couldn’t have been more overjoyed! Finally, my dreams were coming true, I had married an incredible man and we were starting our family together! We waited until about 14 weeks to tell our friends and family and they were so happy for us! I knew he was a boy and I loved feeling him move and kick, we read him stories and sang him songs, we dreamt night and day about our sweet little boy and what it would be like to be his Mama and Daddy. He made me crave watermelon, cheeseburgers, grapefruit and spinach salads. He moved a lot, and had mega dance parties pretty much every single night and often during the day.
Each doctor’s appointment showed he was healthy and happy, at my 32-week appointment the doctor mentioned they normally do an NST (Non-stress test), but she asked me how often he moved and kicked and when I told her “All the time!” she said it wasn’t necessary. A week and a half later he was gone. His movement never gradually slowed down, he went from moving full blast to nothing at all and it happened very quickly. I will never ever forget Tony driving me to the ER at 2 in the morning, the rain downpouring on us in sheets and the horrible realization that my baby could be dead inside me, praying, begging and pleading to God that he wasn’t. The nurse got out a doppler and tried to find his heartbeat and pushed harder and harder, she left to get the Doctor on call and he confirmed our son had no heartbeat. We stared at the ultrasound screen at his lifeless body in shock and disbelief. Losing your child is like living the most horrible nightmare in real time, it changes you deeply, permeating your heart, mind and soul forever.
I chose to be induced the next day, it took a long time to go into labor and the epidural barely even took the edge off the physical pain, but physical pain couldn’t begin to compare to the emotional turmoil of knowing I had to go through labor and would be delivering my son dead, no cries, no open eyes, no warm embrace only cold and empty silence. At 5:18 am on July 9th 2014 Rowan David Petersen was born. As he was delivered the resident Doctor found his umbilical cord was wrapped twice around his neck so tightly she had to cut it off. We were able to find out the reason he died, many parents never get an answer. On November 4th, 2015, our Rainbow baby girl Colette Meadow was born. She brings so much sunshine and joy into our lives, but she can’t replace her big brother and we would never expect her to fill that void, he is irreplaceable and our family will always be incomplete. On March 21st of this year I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and lost Rowan and Colette’s little brother, we named him Israel Amos.
Life after the death of my children is difficult to explain and people are uncomfortable with pain. I never want to make someone uncomfortable, but also will not neglect to acknowledge each of my children just to keep someone comfortable. I live with the gaping hole in my heart from their missing presence every single day. You can’t understand it unless you have experienced it and I truly wish no one ever had to. I know my family will all be reunited someday in Heaven, but until that day I carry my boys in my heart and always count them as part of our family. My hope is to always honor Rowan and Israel with my life, to leave behind a legacy for them, I want them to be proud of their Mama. Stillbirth is much more common than most people realize and not enough research is being done on how to prevent it. Star Legacy Foundation is actively funding research on stillbirth. All the money raised for Rowan’s Run will go to stillbirth research, study and prevention. We want this event to include the entire family and be a fun day for all who participate! Thank you for reading a small part of our story and for your donation of any size, we are so grateful for your gifts, prayers and love.
-Jewelz, Tony, Rowan, Colette and Israel Petersen.