October 3, 2011... 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was a Monday. I drove to the doctor, stopping by Subway to get something to eat. There was no room in the parking lot, so I went across the street to Burger King and ate in the car for the rest of the ride to the doctor's office.
Sitting in the waiting room on the 3rd floor, I was in complete innocent bliss. I couldn't wait to get my cervix checked to see how much longer until I could meet my son. I was so excited.
My name was called. When the doctor came in, he did his usual measurements and grabbed the doppler. He used the one doppler for about 5 minutes and said he would try another one because it might not be working well. He used that doppler for about 10 to 15 minutes and I kept asking if I should be worried. I kept thinking to myself "come on, Jack, just move for me, baby." At this point, I was scared. The doctor told me to get dressed so we could do an ultrasound to check. I was freaking out. As I waited for the ultrasound tech, I grabbed my phone and googled every possible reason why a heartbeat could not be found. All I found was bad news. I was called into the ultrasound room and that's when it happened. Baby Jack was completely still and the heartbeat line was flat. Tears flowed and cries came out. I couldn't believe it. Was this actually happening to me???? I felt the world around me just fall to pieces.
My doctor gave me a hug and the ultrasound tech said her "I'm so sorrys" and my doctor took me into his office. "I have to call my husband" were my next words. Sean answered right away (thank God) and I broke the news to him. He rushed right over. While waiting, I called my friend Caroline and through my cries I heard her asking me to repeat the news and asking if it was a joke. 
After hearing our options of vaginal labor, waiting for me to go into labor on my own, or C-section, both Sean and decided on C-section. I could not deliver my dead son with hours of pushing. I just couldn't. I was cried "that's it". I couldn't do this again. Sean and I are not meant to be parents. I couldn't believe the tears and cries that I had let alone what Sean's reaction was. I did not want to put Sean through that again.
We went over to the hospital. The walk over was like a dream. I couldn't believe the son inside of me that I waited for and that I was so happy about was dead. I could feel him in there, just heavy. No movement, no fluttering, no hiccups. Just him. The nurses who walked us to our room knew what was going on. They took me with such kindness and sympathy to a back room away from everyone and everything else. I was told I had to wait 8 hours since I ate earlier before my surgery. I called who I needed to call and cried at every moment. Sean and I had lost the son we dreamt about for so long. I could feel his feet on the right side and I just wanted him to move so I could say it was all a dream. Someone came in and asked us the devastating question, "I hate to bring this up but in order for us to do an autopsy, we need you to pick a funeral home". Funeral home? I did not know where to even start. I never thought I would have to think about that. Luckily, our support system took over. From that moment on, Sean and I did not have to deal with the questions, the concerns, the funeral arrangements. Our amazing friends did everything for us. I do not know where I would have been without them.
After the long wait and the visitors who came to support us, it was time. The priest came in for the blessing and the anesthesiologist came in with the drugs. I remember feeling the drugs and seeing everyone as I was being wheeled away. 
Sean sat next to me as the surgery happened. I couldn't believe we were delivering a dead son rather than being joyful and waiting to hold our new baby boy. I kept wishing I would hear a baby crying but my wishes did not come true. I told the doctors and nurses I did not want to see Jack because it would be too hard. But after the surgery, my doctor came up to my head and said I should see him otherwise I would regret it so I did. JACK WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY I HAVE EVER, EVER SEEN. Sean and I held him and caressed him and cried and said over and over how beautiful he was. Sean says all he remembers is those red lips on my cheek. I am so glad I saw him and touched him. Now I only wish it was for longer. We both knew at that moment that we had to try again. Our mission is to have another beautiful baby, a sibling for Jack, a family.
The nurse asked me if she could take him to my friends and family and show him to them. I said yes. We spent time in the recovery room which felt like forever. I just wanted to be back in my room with our family and friends. Sean sat by my side the entire time just holding me. We cried, we talked, we couldn't believe it. 
The doctor said the umbilical cord was around his neck once but it didn't seem like it would have caused Jack to die. They could not see anything to show why it happened. We had no answers. Just a dead son.
We were wheeled back to our room a little after midnight. Our support system was there to make sure we were ok and they left for the night. My eyes were so puffy I could barely see. I couldn't sleep. I was awake throughout most of the night and finally watched the night turn to day. Please let this be a dream, I thought. But it wasn't. 
Sean and I spent 2 days in the hospital before coming home. The drive home and pulling up to our house was very hard. We came home empty handed.