Scout Elaine Lee was born silent into this world on June 26th, 2020. She weighed  7lbs. 14oz. and was 21 inches long at 41 weeks. Yes, 41 weeks because we were in the middle of the Covid pandemic and they didn’t want anyone in the hospital for any longer than they had to be. This is the reason my doctor gave for wanting to wait as long as possible to induce me. She was the doctor, so I trusted her. I went in that Monday. Everything was fine. My sweet baby’s heartbeat was good. I was good. My doctor said she would see me Thursday to go over the details and plan for the Friday morning induction. I spent the next two days finishing up the final things on my checklist. I wanted everything to be perfect to bring our baby home. Thursday June 25th, 2020, I went in for what I thought was going to be my last routine appointment. 

Sadly, nothing we did or didn’t do could have prepared us for the news I received that Thursday morning…

First, the quick ultrasound and then go over details on what to expect at the hospital. I lay there relaxing and waiting for the sound of a heartbeat. Because we wanted baby’s gender to be a surprise,  I didn’t look at the screen my entire pregnancy. I would just excitedly wait for the fast thump thump of little ones heart beat. It was always fast and strong. 

This time there was nothing. The silence was deafening. I waited. I waited. The heartbeat that never came….

I was alone thanks to the pandemic rules. Yes, the doctor and nurse were there but I didn’t have my husband. No visitors were allowed at the appointments because of Covid. In that very moment, my heart broke into a million pieces. Our baby was gone. 

If I knew then, what I know now about counting kicks and fetal monitoring, I have no doubt in my mind that Scout might be here today.

I’m a rule follower by nature and if I knew there was rule or process to follow, I would have done it. It wasn’t until after I had Scout that I began to learn about Count the Kicks. This is a wonderful program that I wish was available to all women. I will always make sure every expecting mother I meet knows about this program and I will always be a supporter. 

This was our first child and my first pregnancy. My entire pregnancy was perfect! I had zero complications and Scout was a healthy perfect baby girl. It does bring me some semblance of peace to know she spent her entire life safe, healthy, loved and I was able to provide that for her.  

We celebrated Scout’s 3rd birthday this year.  Birthdays mean something different when they are also your baby’s death date. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about her and who she would be today. It makes my heart happy to know how loved our Scout is. My husband and I lean on each other everyday to figure out how to live a life without our child. She is always with us and we feel her presence everyday. I will continue to talk about her, her story and the life we now have with our child as an angel in heaven instead of in our arms. 

We never really return to who we once were after the loss of a child.  Instead, you begin a second life. 

‘Grief is just love with no place to go’