Our adventure to Colt began when after 2.5 years of marriage, my husband, Joe, and I, decided to consult with a doctor about our unsuccessful desire to start a family. Our days quickly became filled with doctors visits, medications, and failed treatment options, which finally led to our fertility specialist having the difficult conversation of "in my expert opinion, I believe your only option to have your own children is in-vitro fertilization". 

   We shared our next steps with family and friends and with their support, began the next step in our journey. The shots were sometimes difficult to administer, the experience was emotionally very difficult and extremely stressful, but finally it was retrieval day! Our plan was to return in five days, have an embryo transferred, and freeze the remaining embryos for future use. That was until, two days after retrieval, we received a phone call that our embryos were not growing well and that our transfer needed to occur the following day. With fear in our hearts, we went the next day and prayed that our little embryo would "stick". Several days later, we received the call that the remaining embryos had not survived and we had nothing to freeze... That was it, our little transferred embryo was our only chance! By God's grace, we learned shortly after, that the one little embryo was all we needed and we were pregnant with our "little nugget". 

   I had a pretty "textbook" pregnancy. I was never sick, he gave me the talked about "glow", I felt great and truly enjoyed being pregnant. Once I got to the point of being able to feel him move, I felt him day and night. He loved to kick and I loved feeling those kicks and his Daddy was just as thrilled when he got to enjoy them! Our friends, family, and even friends of friends were so invested in our pregnancy because they knew what we had been through to get to this point and were just so happy to celebrate his life with us. 

   We enjoyed beautiful moments of watching him on 3d ultrasounds, celebrating at our baby shower, capturing beautiful maternity pictures... until at 38 weeks 4 days, I woke up and didn't feel my Colt moving like I always did. I drank some orange juice, laid on the couch... still nothing. I called the doctor and they suggested I come in for a scan, but they were sure that because I was so close to my due date, that he was just running out of room to be so active. My husband rushed home from work, we went for our scan, and heard the sentence no parent ever thinks they will hear, "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat". I took the next few minutes trying to comprehend that he was actually gone and then we had to make the absolute worst phone calls to our parents. The doctor came back into the room and explained that they would begin my induction and I would give birth to my son that day or the next. I spent the next almost 15 hours praying they were wrong, I just could not believe that our perfect boy was gone and I truly think I believed that he would be born, let out a huge cry, and prove them all wrong. At 4:02 the next morning, January 8, 2017, I met the most perfect little man, Colton Michael Killiany, but he did not cry like I prayed he would, and our reality set in.

    My husband and I spent that morning and afternoon, holding him tight, giving so many kisses, and introducing him to his grandparents, aunts, and uncle. Those hours seem like minutes shared, but I am forever grateful to the nurses for using the baseball we brought to place his feet and handprints on, sending us home with every blanket that he touched, the tape they used to give us his length, locks of hair, and several other memories to hold onto and to our birth photographer, for still coming to the hospital and taking so many photos for us to be able to share and proudly display through our home. 

    That car ride to a home with a still empty nursery, filled with a closet and drawers full of clothes, diapers, and blankets, never to be used on my sweet boy still haunts me and I believe always will. The years passed have been an ongoing struggle of learning how balance being parents to a child that is not here, how to feel like you are honoring him and making him a part of the things you do in your life, while still finding joy and celebrating his beautiful little brother, Everett, that we are blessed to wake up to everyday, and recently trying to understand that he has gained another sibling, "Peanut", in heaven, due to an early miscarriage. 

     Our story sounds so similar to so many before us... everything was perfect... until it wasn't. Our hope and goal is that through our efforts, we can make a difference, and help others in the future NOT have our story. Through education and research, we CAN save lives. Through sharing our story, we CAN provide support to other families like ours. Our children CAN and WILL still make a difference in this world!